It's My Birthday!

It is my 36th birthday today. Whee!

Last night, in anticipation of having no time today (between work, attending hockey and playing hockey), Sean treated me to giftees and yummies. I got:

1. Battlestar Galactica, Season 2.5
2. An Evening With Kevin Smith, Part 2
3. Lucinda Williams, West
4. Jeff Buckley, Grace (previously we only had it on cassette!)
5. Medium Dairy Queen Blizzard w/pecans, only, left chunky (my absolute fave illicit treat!)

We still have the rest of the day to get through. If I know them well, and I think I do, there may be a little loving going on with the season's ticket holders at the hockey game. The folks we sit with, for nearly three years now, are always a kind and fun loving bunch with a slightly naughty streak. So, someone may have made me a cupcake but it's just as likely that I'll be covered in silly string within seconds of the puck drop.

Last year, I wasn't having a great birthday. I was working - ultra briefly - for a terrible employer and woke up with a growth on my nose - which might have been cellulitis, a fairly serious condition. Today I am pregnant, struggling to build my own business, hanging out all day with a boy who makes my heart melt and cuddling at night with a boy who owns my heart.

I'd say life is good. In fact, I think life is better than before, from my perspective.

In a way, I can't really believe that I'm 36. It seems such a crazy number. It's easier to accept now that I'm a mom. But, to echo my grandmother, I feel much younger than I am.

My grandmother, a delightfully crazy and sweet woman who I am very close to, claims that despite being in her early 80's, she feels like she's 16. I agree with her. Except, I think that she and I are experiencing slightly different versions of 16. I've no doubt her version involves the vigor, the wonder and the excitement of being almost an adult. For me, 16 was full of self-doubt, awkwardness and the deep angsty emotions of teendom.

Even at 36, I still actively struggle with my place in the world, issues of independence versus the safety of belonging, self actualization and identity. Sometimes I catch myself identifying with the concerns of college age kids and then I have to remind myself that it's been a long damned time since I've been one of them. That I've actually attained part of my lifelong dream: find my soulmate and make beautiful babies!

And, yet, there is so much farther still to go!

In my 36th year, I want to love on a new baby. I want to birth that baby in a place of personal safety surrounded by love and warmth. I want to realize more success with my business. I want to learn how to drive. I want to get my finances in order. I want to be more patient.

So, here's to another productive year!