On Friday morning Melissa Summers of Suburban Bliss appeared on The Today Show. The segment was about mothers who have playdates where they also have a drink or two as their children play. Despite Melissa's reasoned comments, the message came out, from Meredith Viera and the expert guest Dr. Janet Taylor, that mothers consuming alcohol while in the presence of children is all manner of irresponsible, with short and long term dangers.
The interviewer, Viera, went on to declare that mothers were no better than babysitters, who we wouldn't allow to drink while watching our children. Neither the interviewer nor the expert ever considered whether fathers drinking in the presence of their children was irresponsible. It was also never discussed how this sort of drinking, one or two drinks while chatting with friends, was a positive way of modelling healthy modes of alcohol consumption.
The internet commentary and comments on this issue have put me in mind of something that has been percolating in my brain about feminism.
I strongly believe that there has been a loose conspiracy aimed to rob women of the power they seemed to attain in the 70's - at that time, it seemed as if women could achieve anything, it seemed a no-brainer that women would be seen and treated as equal members of society, whose private and public lives would be treated with respect. But then the arch-conservtive movement that swept in with Reagan, Mulroney and Thatcher killed all that.
Over the next 20 or more years, women's rights were challenged and eroded, issues applying to women were polarized until now, there are no grey areas.
And now, the forces at the centre of this have had the greatest success of all: they have succeeding in dividing us. Women's worst enemy isn't the patriarchy, it's other women.
You can see it, can't you, in the breast versus bottle debates, the stay at home moms versus working mothers... Take any minutiae of mothering and there is some sort of debate about it, asserting that if you don't do this for your child (or you do do this for your child) you are crippling them emotionally, physically and mentally for life.
We've lost our ability to see difference and diversity in a positive light. We see only that if you choose A and I choose B, you are making a statement about my parenting skills or my worth as a woman by making that choice. And the statement is invariably negative.
Let me state, once and for all, I don't judge other mother's for their parenting decisions. I don't support anyone judging anyone else for their parenting decisions. My life belongs to me and my right to live it the way I choose is inviolate. That is not to say that I'm not open to discussing the choices I make; I am always open to interesting and reasonable dialogue.
So, when I say that I loathe that manufacturers have decided to create clothing, accessories and toys according to very limited gender specifications (ie, girls ONLY have clothes manufactured in pink and purple, boys ONLY have trucks and sports balls on their clothes) I am not saying that you are a shitty mother for loving to dress your daughter in pink. I am not saying that I am a better person because I don't like pink. I'm not even saying I don't like pink. What I'm saying is I think manufacturers have decided that girls only like pink and purple and not allowing other options just plain sucks.
I'm all about choice. And I don't trust anyone who thinks I should have less or no choices. That goes for manufacturers, legislators and other mothers.
For those interested in reading more about Melissa's appearance on The Today Show and the commentary it has inspired, check out these great articles:
The video of the segment
Meliss's own posts about the incident.
Finslippy - The Lie
SlackerMama - If I'm A Babysitter, Where's My Paycheck?
More blog articles on Melissa's appearance
The interviewer, Viera, went on to declare that mothers were no better than babysitters, who we wouldn't allow to drink while watching our children. Neither the interviewer nor the expert ever considered whether fathers drinking in the presence of their children was irresponsible. It was also never discussed how this sort of drinking, one or two drinks while chatting with friends, was a positive way of modelling healthy modes of alcohol consumption.
The internet commentary and comments on this issue have put me in mind of something that has been percolating in my brain about feminism.
I strongly believe that there has been a loose conspiracy aimed to rob women of the power they seemed to attain in the 70's - at that time, it seemed as if women could achieve anything, it seemed a no-brainer that women would be seen and treated as equal members of society, whose private and public lives would be treated with respect. But then the arch-conservtive movement that swept in with Reagan, Mulroney and Thatcher killed all that.
Over the next 20 or more years, women's rights were challenged and eroded, issues applying to women were polarized until now, there are no grey areas.
And now, the forces at the centre of this have had the greatest success of all: they have succeeding in dividing us. Women's worst enemy isn't the patriarchy, it's other women.
You can see it, can't you, in the breast versus bottle debates, the stay at home moms versus working mothers... Take any minutiae of mothering and there is some sort of debate about it, asserting that if you don't do this for your child (or you do do this for your child) you are crippling them emotionally, physically and mentally for life.
We've lost our ability to see difference and diversity in a positive light. We see only that if you choose A and I choose B, you are making a statement about my parenting skills or my worth as a woman by making that choice. And the statement is invariably negative.
Let me state, once and for all, I don't judge other mother's for their parenting decisions. I don't support anyone judging anyone else for their parenting decisions. My life belongs to me and my right to live it the way I choose is inviolate. That is not to say that I'm not open to discussing the choices I make; I am always open to interesting and reasonable dialogue.
So, when I say that I loathe that manufacturers have decided to create clothing, accessories and toys according to very limited gender specifications (ie, girls ONLY have clothes manufactured in pink and purple, boys ONLY have trucks and sports balls on their clothes) I am not saying that you are a shitty mother for loving to dress your daughter in pink. I am not saying that I am a better person because I don't like pink. I'm not even saying I don't like pink. What I'm saying is I think manufacturers have decided that girls only like pink and purple and not allowing other options just plain sucks.
I'm all about choice. And I don't trust anyone who thinks I should have less or no choices. That goes for manufacturers, legislators and other mothers.
For those interested in reading more about Melissa's appearance on The Today Show and the commentary it has inspired, check out these great articles:
The video of the segment
Meliss's own posts about the incident.
Finslippy - The Lie
SlackerMama - If I'm A Babysitter, Where's My Paycheck?
More blog articles on Melissa's appearance
posted by mamaloo at 9:40 AM
5 Comments:
Oh my God! I couldn't even watch the whole thing. My favourite was when Meredith asked Melissa why she felt whe wanted a glass of wine. Why does anyone want a glass of wine? Because it tastes good and its fun. It's true, we're expected to completely strip any sense of self away once we give birth and it's really wrong and depressing. I've had a glass of wine almost every day since my daughter was born (even while breastfeeding -- just one with dinner). Because I still own my own self.
Jeez. This is almost as bad as when Barbara Walters announced that women who breastfeed in public make her uncomfortable. You're damned if you're textbook perfect mother and damned if you're not. What do these people expect from us.
ok, here's my opinion. i do what is good for me & my children. not what other people say is good for me and my children. you can ask the numerous people who have been through our lives, and they will tell you i'm a good mother. but i let my daughter dye her hair green when she was 11 (when she still felt she needed to ask permission). i let my boys grow their hair as long or as short as they like. sean had pretzels & orange juice for breakfast yesterday (hey, if it's good for snack food, it's good for breakfast!) as long as i love my kids, and take care of them in a way that does not endanger their mental, emotional, or physical well being, fuck the rest.
and i put my girls in blue overalls when they were little!
Here here to both of you!
Sticking up for each other's right to make decisions for our families and ourselves is the most important thing we can do to advance the cause of feminism, in my opinion. I trust that both of you women, and the rest of my beautiful readers, are smart enough to make reasonable decisions. And when you aren't being smart of reasonable, I aslo realise that none of us is perfect. And you'll all feel far more confident in your abilities if you know, implicitly, that your friends and most strangers out there think you have enough common sense to not outright harm yourselves and your families.
I've been reading commentary on this all weekend and what Stephanie Wilder (something or other, it was a hyphenated name I can't remember) said about how this is just another issue thrown out there so that women can take turns kicking each other resonated strongly with me.
I try to limit my judgements to mothers who neglect or outright harm their children. Oh, and also to mothers who seek out ways to judge other mothers. I do not like to be around them and I don't have the time or the self-esteem. Why deal with them when you don't have to?
I do agree with you that the grey area seems to be gone. Mothers are offered little "wiggle room" to escape moral judgement or social exclusion. Motherhood is like walking a tightrope in a stadium full of women watching (and hoping) for mis-steps so they can feel better about their own shaky, isolated performance. It's sick.
It all comes from a place of deep insecurity, and I attribute that to the total lack of institutionalized support for mothers in U.S. Society.
I haven't checked in for a while. Great post! Great to find you again!
Meghan, very good point.
I've tried to take it as my personal challenge not to even judge other women who are prone to judging. I also am trying not to judge people who make "harmful" decisions for their family.
One of the reasons is that I can't define what is harmful. Some people feel that my son getting a 5 second eyeful of my pelvic exam was irresponsible and harmful, but I don't. Obviously parenting decisions that result in harm for children aren't great, but then I see that as an oppourtunity for learning.
Look at Andrea Yates who killed her 5 children. On the surface, she harmed those children, but when you take the time to open your heart and look closer at the situation you see that Andrea was a women deeply mired in PPD that had turned into PP Psychosis and had a husband who actively encouraged her bad mental health.
I think every women, no matter how stupid they may appear on the surface, is more like us than we feel comfortable admitting.
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